Those bright, terrifying pieces of fitness equipment that promise the world but sometimes make you realise that your couch is your true love. You see them in the gym, on TV, and on Instagram, where they stalk your account like filtered reminders of how out of shape you are. Fitness gear provides everything you need to love and detest. You adore it and hate it at the same time. For instance, there are pricey treadmills that double as clothes hangers and dumbbells that seem to grow quicker than your outstanding bills.
If you’ve ever bought a resistance band and used it as a hair tie or looked at an elliptical like it was an alien spaceship, this tirade about fitness equipment is for you. Let’s look at the good, the bad, and the things that are hard to explain that make us behave like we know what we’re doing.
Treadmills: The Fancy Hamster Wheels That Take Your Money and Your Soul People say that treadmills make your heart beat, but they only make you sweat and feel horrible about your life.
Getting on a treadmill with hope just to find out that it’s really just a never-ending conveyor belt of despair is the worst. When these beauties cost more than your school loans, the betrayal goes hard.
You walk angrily to nowhere, partially to get over the fact that you ordered a pizza that was too big.
That weird time when you start running and right away question why you did it. The pricey screens show beautiful paths, but your legs say, “No thanks.” By the way, why do these things beep loudly like they’re telling you you’re slow and bad?
Dumbbells and weights are home dcor that can shatter you and your patience by accident.
Iron balls of torture that appear like fitness tools but are really doorstops when you give up.
Dumbbells may look easy, but they aren’t. You pick them up thinking “gainz,” but then you drop one on your foot and have to change your whole routine. That weight rack that looks like a poor game of Jenga is always there. Your arms start to throw up when you gaze in the mirror while doing bicep curls. We should remember the free weights that seem to disappear after every workout. Where do they go?
Why do those who lift dumbbells look so effortless while you’re gasping for air? Resistance Bands: Hellish Rubber Bands (But They Work)
These little monsters are inexpensive, stretchy, and tough in a way that makes your muscles feel like they’re being betrayed.
Resistance bands are an inexpensive choice for your home gym, but you might have to grumble and break stuff.
They break like a diva and leave bruises like a ninja.
If you want your living room to look like a cheap gym or if you want to travel, these are great.
Did you use them instead of real weights? That’s cute, but your muscles might not enjoy it.
Did you realise that those colourful rubber strips are part therapist and part sadist?
When Your Scale Is Tougher Than Your Ex: The “Smart” Fitness Devices Technology says it can help you get fit, but most of the time it just scares you. We are in the middle of the “Let me track your every move so you can obsess about it” time. Your smart devices know when you skip cardio and might even inform your phone’s autocorrect about it.
Workout mirrors that are just as honest as your brutally honest pal. Smart scales that tell you how much you weigh and how much body fat you have in a way that is harsh and Victorian.
Fitness apps that don’t always make you want to work out, but sometimes make you nervous, like passive-aggressive personal trainers.
Just a quick note: why does every “You’ve failed today” notification sound like a text from your mum?
So, what have we learnt after all this scorching and weird love for fitness equipment? First of all, none of these cool tools and devices are on your side; they’re probably planning your next trip to the sofa. That treadmill that seems like it came from a scary sci-fi movie? It’s still just a fancy hamster wheel that makes you feel awful about taking breaks to eat. Those heavy dumbbells in the corner that look scary? On your “active recovery” days (which means binge-watching), they’re more likely to be used as footrests or doorstops. And don’t even get me started on resistance bands. They snap and bruise you like an angry rubber snake while trying to be low-key exercise tools.
But here’s the harsh, brutally honest truth: workout equipment doesn’t make you fit on its own. It doesn’t bring you motivation or spray you with willpower. No, it’s the messy pile of metal and rubber that reminds you that you want to change but also enjoy that pizza. You could buy the most expensive elliptical with a hologram of a personal trainer, but if you don’t move, drink water like it’s magic, and call on caffeine-fueled discipline, you’re just squandering your money and making your sanity worse.
But if you can laugh at the mess, like when you almost fell off the stair climber or awkwardly “bounced” weights instead of lifting them, you’ll find something strangely fulfilling in it. Because fitness is never about being flawless. It’s about being there, putting in some effort, and accepting your wonderfully imperfect self as your equipment silently criticises you from the sidelines.
So, whether you’re cleaning out your old gym bag or thinking about getting your first kettlebell (for real this time), keep in mind that the journey is as rough as your favourite podcast host’s voice in a busy coffee shop. Get ready with patience, humour, and more coffee, since this whole fitness thing? It’s a long race of uncomfortable first steps, hot fights, and small wins that look like tiredness.
Now, stop reading this article, look at your workout clothes with a critical eye, and maybe take a step—hell, even if it’s just towards your fridge. You really need progress over perfection, tenacity over talent, and laughs over worry.